Poem

Historic note: A shellycoat is a type of water boogeyman from Scottish and Northern English folklore. Their name is derived from the coat of shells that these creatures are thought to wear.

Death is a difficult topic to discuss for many people. It tends to make them uncomfortable. It is not a matter of age either as some older individuals also tend to want to shy away from this topic. For some people, it’s the fear of uncertainty that unsettles them, for others it could be considering the burden that is to come for those left to bear witness. I personally did not really begin to put much thought into it, until I started attending funerals with more frequency in my mid-20s. This has led me to accepting that it is part of our life cycle and learned that in some cultures it is even celebrated. What happens after death is also often debated. Some believe in an after-life, while others believe that it is the very end and there’s nothing beyond.

Regardless of those differing opinions, everyone can at least agree that death is inevitable. What brings about our death is also something that I believe is beyond our control in most cases. Sure, we can do things to temporarily avoid it, but the day will come when it will be our turn to die. Likewise, there are some people out there who are actually seeking death. Perhaps suicide comes to mind. This too is a difficult topic and often very controversial. While I can only imagine what goes through someone’s mind when they decide to make that choice, I have experienced the aftermath of someone’s choice and it certainly was not pleasant. This tragedy left me pondering several things including my own purpose in life. During this period of retrospect, I came to the understanding that the person simply made a choice. This is my reaction to the loss from the perspective of a mythical spectator.

I am a lonely creature
Cursed with the eyes of the reaper.
Convinced of a future without promise,
Men unknowingly seek me in their solace.

Veiled by the mist,
Few fathom I exist.
I wait in the silent fog
To inspire one more song.

Another man has visited
To wash his heavy spirit.
By leaping in the bay
He hopes to end his long dismay.

It saddens me when men must go,
But I have hope this one forgoes.
I know too well they are not weak;
Peace is simply what they seek.

Tears are swept by bristles of air.
Yet eyes continue to flood with despair,
As he marches towards the stony edge.
Death grins awaiting his solemn pledge.

Quivering, my shells now rattle,
Muffled by sounds of his prattle.
He takes a deep breath, hoping
That’ll give him comfort to forfeit life’s battle.

Wet eyes dart down to confront his reflection.
Ripples are mesmerized, revealing introspection,
That this bitter end was merely a choice.
“To live is not easy,” said his inner-voice.

“But in time, the suffering will not lead astray.”
So he steps back and finds his way,
As disillusionment failed to prevail.
I sink back down to continue the tale.

I am the infamous Shellycoat.
No agenda behind this anecdote.
It is simply a brief and harrowing snippet
Of the last soul who decided to visit.

The human mind is fascinating. With the right mindset we can accomplish almost anything. On the other hand, the wrong mindset can even orchestrate our own demise. I wrote this poem while in a state of depression and I struggled to complete it. After the year anniversary of the person I was grieving, I decided to seek some help and confront my grief as I was unable to confront it alone. It was a wise choice. I even took some courses to learn more about the grieving process in order to help others and started Grief.info which is my attempt to make help more accessible to others.

During this journey of realization, I met with other individuals, many of whom were men, who also struggled to cope with their own grief stemming from various situations. As a society, we instill the unfortunate notion that men are not supposed to be emotional and that they should avoid publicly displaying it. Often some will even attribute it as a weakness, but the truth of the matter is that emotion is a natural human response regardless of your gender. Suppressing your emotions is not healthy, and it’s a shame that many men do it out of fear of ridicule. Seeking help also has a social stigma when it’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I included my personal struggle for this very reason as despite some potential negative backlash, if just one person reading this who’s considering a desperate choice changes their mind it will be worth it to me.

I’d like to thank my cousin Richie for always believing in me and I dedicate this piece to him. Unfortunately, he left the world too soon but certainly will never be forgotten. I’d also like to thank the individuals who opened up to me in my journey of being vulnerable with my own grief. I also have experienced several other tragic deaths and they too have been learning experiences. If you are reading this and are struggling with grief, consider seeking help. Again, it is nothing to be ashamed of and it’s far more pleasant than visiting the shellycoat.

To find a list of resources for dealing with grief, you may visit www.grief.info

You should also check to see if your school, employer, or clergy offer some sort of assistance as well if applicable.

Illustrated by Louise Whittle.